I need a nanny 😭

Being a parent is both rewarding and challenging. You don’t have to be a parent to know this. You witness it anytime you go out. You see the polite kids in the stores, helping their parents and siblings and you think, how cute. The toddlers give you a big smile while man handling a lollipop. Their hands and face are covered in sticky candy. You think, how adorable. Little sweet angels. But, when you go out to your car you see the mother struggling to get that sticky hand child’s body to bend enough to buckle them into their carseat. The child is screaming as if being murdered, hitting the mom in the head with the lollipop, each time more hair gets entwined. In a ten minute period the child had gone from an angel to a monster. You think, thank god that’s not my kid. You might even come up with a list of, “if that was my kid….” If you are one of those people, screw you. I hate it when people say that. What if that mother was exhausted from working a double shift, her parents both died in a car accident the night before, the child was sick, and…. You get the picture, just don’t judge. Like a friend of mine stated, “Kids are like Sour Patch candies, sweet one second, sour the next.”

Kids control your life. Parents will say, no, but we know that’s not true. Especially that first child. Your plans revolve around this little creature. This creature needs to eat, shit, and nap. The shitting you can’t control or schedule but you do try to schedule meals and naps. Usually you get into a routine. Usually this routine is set by the child unless he/she attends day care, then they set this routine for you. Sounds simple? But, no two days are ever alike and you are raising a Sour Patch Kid.

My ED is just one of these critters. No, I can’t physically keep it in line but every waking hour, what I do for the day has to be thought out and planned. Starting with meals. If you are going to take your toddler out for the day,  you need to plan what they are going to eat for the day. Do you pack it ahead of time? Do you swing through the drive thru and get them a Happy Meal? Do you just wing it? With an ED, winging is not an option. You have to plan. I think first, what type of day am I planning for. Did I indulge too much yesterday and need to be careful today? Is tomorrow a day that might be a future problem and might impact my plan for today? Where will I be all day? Will there be times throughout the day that I can eat? Do I pack something? My eating disorder needs these questions answered. If plans are changed I get super cranky. If we plan on eating at five and five thirty comes around and we still aren’t eating it’s a problem. Inside I’m screaming at everyone around me wondering what the fuck is going on. What I eat throughout the day also has to be considered. Too much sugar is not allowed. I watch the carbs as well. Fruit and vegetables are a must. 

Taking my Ed shopping is also a hell of an experience. It’s sour the whole way. Like I did with my own girls, I try my best to avoid the cookie aisle. I race through the bakery chanting, ‘don’t look, don’t look’.  I walk fast past all the sugar cereal. When I linger too long near the crackers and chips I get nervous. Sometimes I’m throwing a mini tantrum in my head as I debate what cookies to buy and if I’m allowed them at all. I might really want Oreo’s but they are often a binge/purge food so instead, I look for a cookie that I like, but not so much that I can’t stop eating them. A good one for this are Fig Newtons. At the checkout line I face away from the candy and try hard to distract myself. Instead, if I had a good day, I’ll reward  myself with a pack of gum. Sugarless of course. 

At home, I make sure not to have too many sweet or salty snacks. I only allow one of each. I can’t open a salty snack before I consume the last. Too many options are not a good thing and can be overwhelming. I purposely buy individually wrapped packages so I’ll be less likely to binge. Usually, this works out okay. Of course, if I do find myself opening multiple packages I have to throw it all away. My Ed is on my case about listening to my own hunger cues but at the same time, forgetting I really don’t have any. 

Taking my Ed to a restaurant is a pain in the ass. Variety is not something that makes my Ed happy. I only have two real places that I am comfortable eating at. If we go somewhere new I need to look at the menu on the website to prepare myself. With other people at the table I’m always comparing my meals to theirs. Why can’t I have french fries? Why do they get to eat a bun on their sandwiches? It makes me irritable. I play with my food, dragging it around the plate. I cut it up into tiny little pieces. If I could order off the childrens menu I would but most places frown upon that. Meals are often over portioned and I fight with my Ed to allow me to eat at least ½. When done, I ask the waitress to take it away before I start nibbling again. If we sit too long without ordering I get antsy. I go there to eat and the minute I sit down I’m thinking about it. Oh and if they change my order or they are out of something I get super pissed off inside. I sometimes even say ‘forget it’, and don’t eat anything. People around me are like helicopter parents, watching what I eat and making sure I eat enough. 

Do I have to explain to you what happens when I go to a barbeque or a family event? The word No is what I tell myself constantly. No, you can’t have another cookie. No, you can’t have more chips. No, you can’t have the biggest piece of cake. Stay away from that food table! Stop feeding the dog! Don’t waste food! You’ve had enough! 

My Ed has many different personalities. Sometimes it’s my best friend who gives me support and sometimes my worst enemy who is out to hurt me. Sometimes we are happily married and committed to each other, sometimes we separate because we just can’t agree. Sometimes it’s a pouty, needy, greedy, teenager who struggles between doing what’s right and what’s wrong. Sometimes it’s an adult who can make healthy decisions. It’s constantly changing and evolving depending on how close or far away I am towards recovery. The closer I get to recovery, the more evil my Ed becomes. What was once rational thought will turn irrational. I hate everyone around me. I hate food. I hate exercising. I’m just a ball of hate and don’t want to do anything. 

Today, my Ed flips flops between being the stubborn toddler and the over anxious parent. Right now, it’s 9:30 in the morning. My Ed had a big breakfast and is super cranky because snacks before and after lunch are banned. The teachers room has a box of cookies that I can’t allow myself to eat. I avoid the room all together, walking by it quickly, telling myself ‘no, no’, the whole time. What I eat today here at work will impact what I eat tonight at home. My schedule today is already fucked up. 

FUCK ME!!!!  A coworker just dropped two miniature Twixs and a miniature Snickers on my desk. 

Is it nap time yet? I need a nanny.