Usually I get this great idea or need to complain about something and then sit down and write a post. This is the first time I’ve got nothing planned. But it is a special day. A year ago, tonight, I OD’ed. I know I’m supposed to be celebrating my life. I should be proud of all the obstacles that I’ve cleared to get to this point. But really, that’s not the case.
You see, last year I was 15 pounds lighter. Last year, even though I hated myself, just like I do now, there was a part of me that I did like. I liked my eating disorder. I liked it better than myself. And I want that feeling again. I want to give up myself to my eating disorder.
I only have one regret about that night and this is the only place I can say it, I should have waited longer. I shouldn’t have worried about who would find my body.
Of course, since then, I’ve been living. I’ve been living for my girls. They insist that they need me, even though they are 21 and 18. In fact, they actually were very convincing for a while. I’m not really convinced anymore.
You see, they’ve decided to move thousands of miles away with their dad. I’ve offered to buy a house closer to where they are now. I could commute and they would have a place to live but they like the idea of moving. And I get it. It’s exciting to move to a new place.
How am I supposed to feel like they need me when they just up and move away? Two things are going on right now. 1. I’m feeling horribly depressed and lonely that they are abandoning me. Or 2. I’m horribly depressed and sad and are looking at this as a breach in contract and now I’m free to do what I want. This includes all my eating disorder behaviors plus other self destructive behaviors. Drink too much, eat too much, puke too much, not eat enough, cut, and if I want, end it all.
I know that Ted loves me and wants me around for a long time. I know my siblings feel the same and a few of my friends but in the end, it doesn’t matter what they think or feel. It’s my decision.
For now, I’ll keep living one day at a time. My girls aren’t moving for months. I have time to contemplate life. Even if it’s with a pint of ice cream in my hands with the clear expectations to throw it up after.